I'm Sorry, Hilary Duff

I'm sorry, Hilary Duff, for telling you at first that we'd wait until marriage. I know when we first met that was the plan; I mean it's what I really wanted I swear. Things just don't always work out the way they're planned. Sometimes I think they work out for the best, though.

I'm sorry, Hilary Duff, for ruining your parents high thread count bed sheets with your virgin blood. I didn't mean to bust your cherry for the first time with my index finger. I know you said it hurt; but I promise I wasn't pressing or touching any harder than I normally do. Honest.

I'm sorry also for repeating the feat, only worse by busting your cherry again with my hammer-head cock. I didn't mean to pump to hard and I know when you said the first time was the most important, I felt that too. I'm also really sorry for asking if I could shove a Miller Lite bottle up your ass. I know you aren't that type of girl. I thought that by asking if I could try a finger, maybe you'd ease up a bit and let your hair down. That didn't work. I'm sorry for pushing your limits.

I'm sorry for calling out 'fuck me' when things were 'in the heat' of the moment. I thought that we were, you know; on the same page. I know you were mad because you told me after I said that, that 'only porn stars 'fuck', and that 'we make love'. If that is what you want to call it, then that's what I think we should call it also. As long as you let me say I'm fucking you, like, every once in a while.

I'm sorry, Hilary Duff, about the time that I told you that I'd like to have a 3-way with you and your sister. I knew you guys were close, and, it was honestly just a big joke. Just forget about it. Besides, 3-way can mean a lot of things. I'm also sorry ahead of time if I ever happen to wonder into her bedroom when I'm drunk; and then into her bed, and then my head up her shirt. I honestly won't mean it. I'll be thinking of you the whole time--if that ever happens.

I'm sorry that instead of getting you flowers when you cried, I gave you a used up weed-scented candle. I know that isn't what most girls are into. I know when I light it, it makes me cheer up and smile. I'm sorry that you didn't get what you wanted.

I am sorry, Hilary Duff, for making you say that you feel abused. I don't mean to do it on purpose. You know what? You can just ignore me if you want. Yeah, that's right. I'll just sit here, up against your bedroom wall over here. Just pretend I'm like that lampshade. Don't even bother acknowledging me. Throw your shirts on me. Just make sure you're wearing a skimpy bra when you do it. Ok, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be a pervert, I just really need to stick my tongue in your ass! Wait, come back here. I didn't mean that. I'm sorry. I can't help it sometimes. They don't call me 'Coms' for nothing, you know.

So how about that Mercedes I bought you baby?